How can I tell my mother in law to “zip it” in a nice way?
Ok first I love her a lot because I’ve known her (and her wonderful son) since I was 13. I’m staying with her because he’s away at his duty station (he’s in the Army) and I feel less nervous at her house then living at home. I really love to hold my baby and will often just keep him in a harness as I go about my daily activities. Anyway she says I should put him on a blanket and only hold him when he’s fussing or needs to be fed, otherwise let him play when he isn’t sleeping. I prefer to hold him actually and he allows me to exercise too because his weight helps keep my muscles toned. I’m surprised she wants the baby to be “independent” because her own son was a “momma’s boy” with a mother who had an 8:30 PM bedtime rule on school nights for her own son when he was 15. That didn’t stop me from developing a “crush” on him that never went away. She’s really a nice person but I just want to hold my baby.
Just tell her how you feel in a polite way and if she takes it bad then so be it. Its your baby!
Shut that hole under your nose!
Well in some ways she is right. I’m sure you don’t want to hear that. But the bottom line…it’s your baby. Just sluff it off and tell her “I know what you’re saying but I just want to hold my baby”.
Tell her that you appreciate her advice, but would like to continuing holding your son. It makes you comfortable knowing he is near you, and make up some crap that you are trying this new study about babies being in a sling while doing your normal activities, and it is your decision.
Im sorry but this is not good. He needs to be able to move around. Hes going to get to big soon and then you wont be able to hold him but because yoy\u are holding him now he will expect it. He needs to be able to play and move around you could stunt his developement if you dont put him down. MIL is right.
Then hold your baby. These moments are precious and when he’s an independent toddler, which is sooner then you think, you’ll miss when you were able to just cuddle away on him!
Let me add something, my son was constantly coddled as an infant which a lot of people said would be bad later on. But I didn’t care and neither did my husband or my mother or mother in law, we all coddled him like crazy. He’s now a toddler who is very active and quite independent. When he wants to be alone to play, he lets me know. And when he wants to sit and cuddle and read a book, he knows I’m always up for it. You are just going by your motherly instincts, never trust anyone over that.
Next time she offers advice you don’t agree with, just be firm, be confident, yet nice, when you say, “Thanks for your advice, but I’ll do what I think is best.”
The more mature and confident you sound in your decision, the less she’ll try to change your mind. And you need to nip this in the bud because it will only get worse and it will drive you crazy!
Say “thanks for the suggestion, but I think I’m going to do what I feel comfortable with…”
Please, please when you find out can you tell me?!?
I have been married to her son for 8 yrs, have given her 2 grandchildren and she still treats us likes children.
Good luck with your MIL though she sounds like a handful. Stick to your guns.
Tell her that he is your baby and if you want to hold him you will. Explain that it makes you feel better to have him close.
I think “zip it” is nicer than I would be.
You are the mommy and do what you feel best. But maybe she is telling you from experience because she made a mistake by not letting him be independent.
Not sure on how old the baby is but you should be giving the baby some tummy time. I know my friend who was in the same place you are and she held onto that baby because he was gone then when he was back and the child was a little older he wouldn’t let you put him down without screaming like he was dying. (just saying, you are the mommy and do what you feel is best)
just tell her. how can she understand that her suggestion bothers you if you dont tell her?
baby DOES need some tummy time though. this helps develop HIS muscles. using baby for your exercises is a great way to bond, but dont forget that he needs his own workout too.
my son gets 2 “tummy times” a day for about 30 mins. i get down on the floor w/him and encourage him to push up and look around.
you can be close to him and not hold him 24/7, but i completely understand where you are coming from. my hubby uses a harness w/my youngest son…but i prefer to just carry him around.
i think talking to her would solve your problems, dont get offended…MIL’s mean well..usually.
I’d sit down with her and calmly state that babywearing is proven good for baby’s development, and that it’s good for you as well. Babywearing enables you to get things done while cuddling with your child; can it get better than that??
That attachment will be so evident later on, when your son is confident and secure! My daughter was worn most of the time her first 8 months, and is now the most friendly, active 17 month old you can imagine!! It’s about being there for your child, and when they feel comfortable, they will step out on their own.
Here are some great links for you!
Will holding your baby spoil them?
I can’t figure out why so many people think it is wrong to follow the natural instinct to hold your child. “You’ll spoil him!’ “Don’t you have a swing? Playpen? Car seat? So you can put her down?” Babies want to be held because they are wired that way from birth. Held babies cry less, learn faster and are generally happier. Yes, a held baby will want to be held more than a baby that has been taught they can’t trust adults to meet their needs. This is not the same thing as spoiling a baby.
First, you can’t spoil a very young baby. Babies under 6 months are just not capable of the reasoning involved in being spoiled. You can, and should, hold them as much as possible. A sling or baby carrier makes babywearing possible. It is more convenient and frees your hands for other things. With a good sling you can hold your baby to their little heart’s content and still go about your day.
Second, babies who are held enough to meet their emotional and physical needs will start to get down and move around on their own as soon as they are able to do so. Content, curious and alert, the held baby soon sees that there are things going on down there that they want to check out. This is a normal part of their development and holding them will not disrupt their natural urge to explore unless you don’t let them down when they decide they are ready.
Some babies are ready to explore sooner than others. A timid child may not be ready to move away from you until months after a more exuberant child has already done a lot of exploring. Honoring your child’s personality is an important part of building trust, so don’t push your baby into independence before she is ready.
Finally, babies are little for only such a short time. Before you are ready they are grown and moving into the world on their own. Holding them now helps you to deepen your bond with your baby so they can move into the world confidently when the time is right. Due to your bond, your baby will know that they can trust you to be there if they need you, even as they explore the world.
My mother in law is the same way. I am always holding my daughter. It helps build trust between the Mommy and baby. I just told my Mother in law that I was her Mom and I can do what I want with my baby. She didn’t talk to me in awhile, but unlike you, I don’t like my mother in law all that much.
Just tell her there is no harm in carrying him around, that you want to be close to him because you love him so much. As for independance A child doesn’t have to learn that much till they are older. I know I didn’t really know independance till I moved out so… The only time I do not hold my baby is when she is falling to sleep and when I am playing with her on the floor. Other than that I have her in my arms either rocking, singing, dancing, feedin etc…
So you do what you want to do… You have to just learn to smile and walk away and do what you want… You will get a lot of advide you are not going to listen to. trust me.
One idea could be to say something like this: “Thanks for pointing out that I need to make sure that the baby gets plenty of tummy time to develop his muscles. Of course I’ll make sure that he has plenty of time to play, but I’m really feel more comfortable holding him when he isn’t working on his muscle development.” This way you are acknowledging a positive thing about her suggestion (the importance of tummy time), and telling her that you aren’t gonna do what she says. As long as you use an “I feel” kind of thing, you should be fine. She can’t tell you how you feel.
For the record, and I’m sure other answers have told you this, babies who are held more typically become more independent and at an early age than those who weren’t. Babies that are held more develop a better security that mom is right there and will take care of their needs, so they are more willing to be independent. Babies that aren’t held as much don’t learn quite as early or as well that mom will take care of them, so they are more nervous and being independent. They haven’t quite learned that they will be taken care of if they don’t cling.
weeeelllll…It depends, if you are never putting the baby down at all, then she’s right, babies do need time to play, and explore, your talking about your muscles being toned…well, your babies won’t be if you just keep carrying him all the time, he’ll be delayed in crawling, and grabbing for his toys, you will also be doing him a diservice by him being able to play by himself at all, it may seem great now and not so much a hinderance..but try it when he is 15-20lbs, it won’t be so great, I think a little in between is what would work, I hold my daughter alot, but I also give her some alone time, about 15-20 minutes. trust me, take her advice at least a little bit, or else in a few weeks time you’ll be on here asking….”my baby won’t play for even 15 minutes..what can I do?”
Has she actually said that she thinks the baby should be more independent, or is that your interpretation?
She could just be worried that baby isn’t getting enough exercise or mental stimulation from his perch. If a good part of your daily routine is to take baby out of the bag for some stretching and playing – is g’ma getting to see this? If not she could just assume you carry him everywhere – that could explain her comments.
At this point, the easiest thing you can do is to think through your routine to see if there is any merit for her points (from what she gets to see of you & baby). If so, switch up your routine so that she gets to see baby getting multiple experiences.
One thing you didn’t consider is that g’ma might be a little bit jealous of all the baby time you have. After all, if you are carrying the tyke around, when does she get to play with baby?
If you decide to talk to her make sure it’s when baby is down for a nap. Then just ask her why she seems so concerned, let her know you love her for caring then tell her you don’t understand because you are doing what feels right and natural for you with baby. Give validation to her feelings, she’ll feel better just knowing that you’ve really heard her.
Good luck.
Edit – My point in trying to look at it from her perspective is that you obviously don’t want to cause hurt feelings. I’m not actually suggesting that you change – just try to understand her more – once you do, you might find it easier to talk to her. Hopefully you can both end up happy and at peace with each other.
That’s because they were brought up that way, and were told that was how you raise a child. They also let the babies cry for hours in their cribs, and a lot of moms now choose not to do that
We basically went from, back in the day women basically wore their babies constantly, and not that long ago, cosleeping was still the norm. To now, you’re suppose to put the baby in a separate room from birth and teach them to be alone. Big turn around.
Well things are starting to lean towards the natural old way, more people are baby wearing, and more people are cosleeping.
Do what you WANT to do, raise your child how YOU see fit. Not any book, person, or ANYTHING else. Do what feels natural to you.
My mother in law and I are no longer talking because we had a blow up about her constantly telling me I’m doing things wrong. What made it worse though is she said all the things she’s been holding back for years and hurt me greatly. Then I found out she was talking about me behind my back all over the neighborhood about how I’m too immature to be a mother, and the night I was in labor she sat around saying “yeah, she’ll probably have post partum depression” like I’m nutz.
Don’t let it continue, you will only end up having a blow up if you keep it inside. Sit down and talk to her about it. And tell her you are going to raise your child the way you feel is right.
It cracks me up that anyone is trying to support your mother-in-law’s views, when that’s not even what your question is about! Don’t listen to them. I have a 3-month old, and it’s my first, and you should absolutely hold the baby all the time if you want to. I do – when I’m not working! As for your MIL, I have one that rubs me the wrong way too, even though I love her dearly. My hubby takes care of it when I feel she’s being overbearing. He tells her that “we feel…..” about whatever her issues are. I don’t feel that I should have to deal with her! Obviously this won’t work for you since your hubby is gone, and I’d like to say how much we love you and your family for what you give to our country, and I truly appreciate your sacrifice!
Basically in regards to your MIL, I would kill her with kindness. Thank her for her input, and just keep doing things your way. Eventually she’ll give it up and get the picture that you’re going to do things your way, and she’ll respect you for not getting bitchy! Best of luck – and congrats on that little one. They’re such a miracle and treat every day w/your son as though you don’t get a tomorrow. Hold him as much as you can!
P.S.
What a great way to work out and get x-tra lean! You go, girl!
I remember you from your questions in the military section. Congrats on your son. : )
Holding and wearing your baby in a carrier is good for baby, and mommy too. You’re an adult, and this is your child.
Just tell her, “Thank you for the advice, I’ll remember that next time.” I used that line a lot with people, and even if they started in on me again in 5 minutes, I would smile, repeat that line, and go on about my business.
Why don’t you move to where your husband is stationed? Or is he still in AIT? I lived away from my husband while I was still in school, and it was hard. I couldn’t imagine living with my MIL (whom I love) with an infant.
…I appreciate your opinion and I understand that you are an experienced mom having raised __ children, however…as being this child’s mom, I feel it necessary to do this…this is MY mothery instincts.
Just say I know your right mom but, I am not ready to let go yet.