Army Blanket
October 8, 2010 – 5:50 pm | No Comment

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Home » Mythology & Folklore

How does this sound so far?

Submitted by on July 31, 2010 – 8:36 pm2 Comments
army blanket
Haley asked:

I remember in my childhood my best friend, Michelle , used to take the plastic soda bottles that were on the banks of the Ohio River at my grandmothers house and put messages in them. She put twigs in them when we were four. I wonder if anyone ever got our letters and twigs. Maybe they wrote us back. I like to think they did. Tonight I’m going to send my own letter. I guess I’m just a foolish sixteen year old girl. Silly little Gabrielle Sterling. Maybe, who ever finds it will be my Dark Prince.

Dear who ever finds this,

My name is Gabrielle Rose Sterling. But, my best and only friend calls me Bri. I live in Kenova, West Virginia. You probably have no idea where that is, do you? I don’t either it is like another planet to me. I’m into the paranormal. A little more then I should be. The kids at Spring Valley always look at me strange, but I’m used to it by now. My hair is a copper color cut in short spikes and my eyes a rich sapphire. My sister is probably my parents favorite. All American girl you can call her. Long flowing gold hair and sky blue eyes. Homecoming queen and cheerleader. While I’m just sitting in the stands. Sorry, for boring you with my mellow drama. Tell me about your life, please.

Yours Truly, Gabrielle Rose Sterling

I slid the letter into an old Mountain Dew bottle that I ripped the label off of. I silently slipped on my ebony Russian Army coat. My Converse made a soft thud against the oak floor. My feet etched their way to the back door. I quietly shut the door behind me put my spine stiffened in alert when it made a loud locking noise behind me. My feet hit the rough wood of the back porch. The steps creaked beneath me as I made my way to the gate that lead down to the Ohio River front. The metal of the steps clanked against the weight of my shoes as I made my way to the river. I could hear the snakes his in the distance. It sent a shiver up my spine. Little me afraid of snakes while they reside In myth & lore. I just always had an unexplainable fear and hatred of the scaly bastards. The cool October air blew against my face. I tightened the coat around my frame so it could not brush against the rest of my skin. I jumped over the end of grass. My shoes kisses the sand underneath them. I finally came to where sand meet water. They water soaked through the thin material of my Converse. My finger clutched the neck of the bottle. My arm slung back, then forward releasing the bottle to the wind. I dropped to the awaiting mouth of the river. Lost to its blackness. The mortal or immortal to claim it waits on the other side. Will they write back? I’d like to think they would. I watched it float down the Ohio till it was out view. I turned and climbed up the wall of earth that blocked my way to the grass. I ran to the light of the house. Once, through the door I let out the breath that I held in for the last two minutes. I kicked of the neon green high tops. And, made my way to the guest room beside the kitchen. My blonde twin lay sleeping on the bed. Her curls splayed out in every direction. I shrugged off the coat silently, but the metal buttons made a loud clank as they hit the oak floor. The girl in the bed stirred to face me. Her sky eyes shot open and met with the gems of mine. A silent conversation was passed between us. But, neither of us paid attention to the topic at hand. She lifted up the blanket allowing me to slide in. My hands tugged at the tangled mess of gold. The copper of mine clashed against it. My mind slowly became a blur of color and whispers.

“Your weak, Gabriel.” taunted a females voice.

“I will kill you! I will send you back from where you have risen from! Mark my words, Lillith. You will be slain by my sword.” I raged.

“Gabriel.” a voice whispered.

The sun shown through the window. It burned my eyes life a fire to bare skin. It was that dream again. That is how it always ends. Who is Lillith? Who is Gabriel? It can’t be me. Who is that voice? Why are they calling for me? A tug at my spikes made me wake from my thoughts. I turned to see my blonde twin and grandmother staring at me. Concern was etched into their sky eyes. A could hear the coughing of my step-grandfather in the other room. I rose from my place on the bed, and walked towards the kitchen. I grabbed the milk from the fridge, and went to work on making a cup of coffee. This was my tradition since I was four the only difference was that Lillian was here instead of Michelle. My movements were more like a dance then a walk as I gathered all my ingredients. A hand was placed on my shoulder to stop me mid-parquet.

2 Comments »

  • Uber_Dweeb123 says:

    You have an interesting writing style, in kind of a round-about way. In my honest opinion, you are much to overly descriptive and slightly generic. You are spending far to much time talking about how the surroundings and perhaps not enough on Gabrielle, the main character. It is almost an effort to continue reading. You have an interesting way of introducing the Gabrielle’s features to the reader, but then you have to ask the question, is that really how someone writes a letter? The one thing that a reader should be able to keep to himself in the book is the fact to keep his / her imagination running. If a reader wanted someone (and maybe this is really just my own personal taste) to have something detailed down to the last fiber of the underpants the protagonist is wearing, he would just see a movie. Being flexible towards imagination is key. (again, very possibly just my own taste)

    I almost feel like I can pick up any book by Weis, Knaak, Goodkind, Gaiman, Rothfuss, or Brooks and find a couple of the exact same sentences, but that just may be an unfortunate side effect of having read many books.

    The last thing that really catches me off is the many, many, many sentences you include. It really doesn’t change the context of the story that much, but throwing a comma in between, instead of the numerous periods can indeed lighten up the story a little, and you might even be able to condense the wordy material a little bit.

    I think it’s very good, cut a bit of the unnecessary detail out, and try to keep it from being so wordy in it’s narration and it could be a good deal better.

    I apologize if what I said sounded harsh, but it is just my honest opinion. I really do think it is a good start. Beginnings are often the hardest part of the story, and the rest will unfold itself easily once you get that initial couple pages down.

  • darcey says:

    It sounds like a very good epilogue. Just a hindsight into what made things happen the way they do later in the book. I love it!!!! If you could e-mail me the rest of the story you would be the greatest!!

    Please dont stop writing, you have a real talent. There are many of us book lovers out there.

    With Hope and Kind Words
    Darcey

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