Comments on: How does this story sound? http://armyblanket.com/blog/how-does-this-story-sound/ ArmyBlanket.com Mon, 14 Feb 2011 12:05:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Bill http://armyblanket.com/blog/how-does-this-story-sound/comment-page-1/#comment-1093 Bill Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:53:05 +0000 http://armyblanket.com/blog/how-does-this-story-sound/#comment-1093 It sounds good. You have a smooth writing style and ability with words. I think your story could wind up being quite interesting. If I may, one suggestion and a book you could find helpful: Suggestion: Consider starting your story with: "'You're weak, Gabriel,' taunted a females voice." That's a provocative statement, which can intruigue your reader right away. Reason: We writers need to capture the reader's attention and interest as soon as possible. Many potential readers will read the first few lines of a story/novel to test it to see if they think they will like it. If you don't captivate them then, you might not at all. If you started at that point (I suggested above) you can feed the info (in your writing above Gabriel's statement) into your story piece by piece, and thus not slowing the action and dialogue down with lots of narration. This is a good book that gives you lots of professional short story advice in 160 pages. Check it out if you wish... Keep writing It sounds good. You have a smooth writing style and ability with words. I think your story could wind up being quite interesting.

If I may, one suggestion and a book you could find helpful:
Suggestion: Consider starting your story with: “‘You’re weak, Gabriel,’ taunted a females voice.” That’s a provocative statement, which can intruigue your reader right away.

Reason: We writers need to capture the reader’s attention and interest as soon as possible. Many potential readers will read the first few lines of a story/novel to test it to see if they think they will like it. If you don’t captivate them then, you might not at all.

If you started at that point (I suggested above) you can feed the info (in your writing above Gabriel’s statement) into your story piece by piece, and thus not slowing the action and dialogue down with lots of narration.

This is a good book that gives you lots of professional short story advice in 160 pages. Check it out if you wish…

Keep writing

]]> By: YuHeardMe http://armyblanket.com/blog/how-does-this-story-sound/comment-page-1/#comment-1092 YuHeardMe Sun, 17 Jan 2010 04:44:26 +0000 http://armyblanket.com/blog/how-does-this-story-sound/#comment-1092 that last paragraph confused me a bit... she woke up and was someone else i guess but i enjoyed reading it i saw a couple of booboos tho xD 'My shoes kisses the sand underneath them' should be: My shoes kissed the sand underneath them otherwise your mixing past tense with present tense... Errr Just to let you know im not a teacher or anything, im just a lil boi :D that last paragraph confused me a bit…
she woke up and was someone else i guess
but i enjoyed reading it
i saw a couple of booboos tho xD
‘My shoes kisses the sand underneath them’
should be: My shoes kissed the sand underneath them
otherwise your mixing past tense with present tense…
Errr Just to let you know im not a teacher or anything, im just a lil boi :D

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