I just want some constructive criticism for this story that I’m writing?
The part that I have here is in the middle half of the story-line. It’s a little long. Any thoughts on this piece, opinions? Thank you in advance. I also posted this here because I didn’t know where else to post it. Anyway, here it is:
The Irish have a song, called Mrs. McGrath, as it is famously known. I first became familiar with the tune while listening to Pete Seeger, a folk musician. The song tells the tale of a mother’s son who goes off to join the British army, only to tragically lose both his legs to a cannonball. I closed my eyes in remembrance, and felt the rise of my emotions as the haunting chorus hummed its way through my head, again and again. “Rai you rai you rai ya”. How was it society had advanced so little in such a vast expanse of time? It was enough to drive me to tears as I leaned my head against the solid cool glass pane passenger window as Lou drove us through the empty countryside. Upon reflection, no land is left empty, when one is to take a closer look. Embedded in that ground lies bones, hollow pale-white bones, the remains of many a soldier, farmer, traveler. Their bodies left behind to dwell beneath the earth, keeping watch over the land they had trodden on, their ethereal beings gazing out sadly upon the plain of earth, and at the winding highway that wraps itself around it, as a serpent twining through the beach sand, a trail of ups and downs. I chuckled silently to myself. Such morbid thoughts, yet I found myself comforted. I settled down amongst my jacket and blankets and slipped into dream.
I found myself shaken awake by Lou in the wee hours of morn. I shook myself awake, and glared irritably at Lou, before turning my head to see the destruction around the vehicle. An old, dusty and rusting automobile sat burning on the roadside, and various shadows—they were people I saw—leaping around attempting to put the fire out. I could only gaze out with such shock and sorrow that when I saw the broken face of the Native I just about died inside from such utter sadness that I could not begin to plumb its depths. Her eyes followed mine as Lou slowly, silently drove past the wreckage, her face bruised, and an ugly gash across her left cheek. She was clad in jeans and tank-top, her long hair blowing about her face and catching in her wounds, which would have made anyone else grimace, but her. She continued to gaze at me, with such sorrow that God himself could only weep and yearn to extend his healing hand to this woman and her family. A man, (her husband, father?), spotted us as we slowly inched past the wreckage. He had been tending to a dog that had apparently been hurt, and was being held by a small boy. He extended his hand, pleadingly, and yelled something that I could not hear over the blaze of the car’s inferno. He struggled to stand, and began walking over to Lou’s car. I looked at Lou, and watched his face sorrowfully harden, then with wailing protest from our car, slammed the car pedal into the crimson carpeting, swiftly vanishing into the night, and away from the car and its passengers. “What are you Doing!?” I roared, rising from my spot in the seat, burning with hatred for Lucas’ cold response to the ones in need. “Turn this car around!” I protested, struggling with my jacket and blankets, “Turn this fuck*ing car around Lou! Those people—” I stopped. Tears poured down Lou’s face in streams, his silence only broken by the inhaling of his nose. He slowed, then pulled over, his body wracked by broken sobs.
Sorry that it’s all in one block of writing, for some reason it wouldn’t let me divide it all into paragraphs.
i think its good actually i thought id have more to say about it
things i did notice though: (mostly grammar mistakes and such)
“I found myself shaken awake by Lou in the wee hours of morn. I shook myself awake, and glared irritably at Lou,” that part could use a pronoun instead of using Lou twice just to reduce the repetition right there, and you should maybe use different words instead of shaken awake twice again for repetition
“Her eyes followed mine as Lou slowly, silently drove past the wreckage, her face bruised, and an ugly gash across her left cheek” that part was a little confusing because it sounds like Lou is the one with the bruised face when you’re referring to the injured woman
“grimace, but her.” i would just drop the but her part man
“Lou’s car. I looked at Lou, and watched his face sorrowfully harden, then with wailing protest from our car,” in that part you call the car both lou’s and both of yours, i would change it to either our car or lou’s car both times you talk about it
and one thing i noticed that doesnt really detract from the excerpt either way was that in the beginning you state exactly what thoughts the characters are thinking and what they’re feeling, thats perfectly cool but i think the second half is stronger when you let the characters actions and dialogue demonstrate to the audience the emotions they’re feeling and what they’re thinking instead of laying it right out for us. if i were you i would work on adding more of that in the first part because i thought it was really good.
I thought this piece was excellent and I wouldn’t have bothered making comments if I didn’t. If the only comments one gets are, “Wow, it’s so great!” then I always assume that the people who would be truly helpful just glanced it over, considered it a lost cause, and went about their business.
Constructive suggestions:
1. You’re not going to like this, but I feel like it should be written in the present tense. The contrast between ‘now’ and ‘then’ would more effectively convey your motifs of remembrance and loss.
2. It’s hard to get a good sense of character because this is an excerpt. But the swearing shattered him/her for me. Why would he/she maintain such an articulate, insightful inner monologue and resort to the f-bomb so readily when speaking? Again, this seems like well thought-out prose so I suspect I’m just missing some background on the character. I have to add that you don’t need it – the cursing. It’s become so ubiquitous that it no longer packs any punch. Unless there is a good reason why they would swear (characters of Burroughs and Frey come to mind) there are more powerful ways to show strong emotion for those who are capable of them. You clearly are, so the swearing seems flimsy.
3. Mind cliches that don’t sound like cliches. For example, ‘ Plumb its depths’, ‘wee hours of morn’. We’ve heard these before. Can we have something more interesting to read? I really like the original devices in this piece – “as a serpent twining through the beach sand’ , ‘ Their bodies left behind to dwell beneath the earth, keeping watch over the land they had trodden on’. When readers see a group of words they’ve seen before they’ll understand what you’re trying to say, but they are not enjoyable or memorable like the rest of your piece and tend to detract.
There are also a few errors with tense and subject-verb agreement – “in that ground lies bones,” for example – but I don’t think that’s the kind of feedback you’re looking for.
Keep going, you’ve got natural talent in my book.
Cheers:)