Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get ****** into jet engines.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.